Envy kills

This post has to be one of the bravest and stupidest things I will ever do in my entire life.

I'll put here my feelings, my weakness, that has been haunting me for a long time. It's, as they say, showing your dirty laundry to the public (or something like that). I know that this is an unintelligent thing to do, but I feel that I need to let it out of my system, or else it'll keep troubling me until it consumes me and puts me in a negative attitude for a long time.

So, here it goes:

I was conscious of the fact that I was an envious type of person, though I kept shaking it off as I didn't want to consider myself as such. But after several troubles between Blue (not her real name) and I, I just had to admit to myself that, indeed, I'm jealous, and that I also am vindictive.

Blue and I have been friends for a long time. I confided in her, I always wanted to spend time with her, I was more of myself when we were together. I've always thought of her as someone whom I wanted to be my friend until I grow old and have graying hair and everything. But envy attacks happened recently, and now I don't think I would want seeing her anymore.

Blue is a very beautiful person inside and out. Never have I heard of her having a feud with someone, and there also is the fact that everyone who knows her loves her. She's physically attractive, even being considered a heartthrob or something of the sort, and along with that comes her being smart; her high grades prove that. She's got it all - brains, beauty, personality - a very likeable type, surely to be successful in the future.

I never really minded her having these, as I was content with my beauty, and with the brains - well, I didn't use them on academics, but I, up to now, know that I'm smart, with the high IQ and everything - and I just needed a bit of spontaneous social skills and a more pleasing personality. Some people regarded us as twins, as we had a lot in common, and that we have the exact same everything. It was fine with me - fine with us - and we just did our thing the way we would, and we'd always have fun.

Last year, we didn't have much time for one another. With couples, there is the famous line "I think we ought to date other people"; with Blue and I, it was sort of similar, though of course in a platonic way. She spent more time with others as I have, but we'd always have time to spend together. We trusted each other that way: that no matter how many friends we gain, and how close our relationship with them was going to be, both of us will still be close and connected. This was unspoken, yet clear, to both of us, as we wanted such anyway.

Then a cursed - cursed for me, I'm not sure if she thinks the same - event happened. I'm not going to elaborate, but the point is, I was shocked over her transformation. She was all gaga about something, and I was sad and disgusted at how I couldn't relate with her. She had this friend with whom she tells stories about this new mania of hers, and when I ask her to tell me, it's either, 1) She and her friend look at one another, smile, and tell, "It's between us" or something like that, or 2) She tells me, "Uh, secret. Sorry, Kring, but I can't tell" and I'd get dissapointed but not pester her to tell. That kept going for a few weeks, and I realized that some of my peers who were also her peers also noticed and hated the change that has happened to her. Yes, I know - I should accept the change, as change is the only permanent thing in the world - but could I help it if she shifts her personality and doesn't want to share it with me? Heavens, I was used to being with her, seeing her grow, knowing her every thought. And now, because of that wretched event, I don't even want to see her anymore, as I couldn't resist the urge to slap her hard in the face.

Not only do I damn the happening because of her transformation, but also because it gave me something, something within my reach, something which, I thought, would be mine and mine only (there are some things in this world that aren't meant to be shared i.e. toothbrush), but because of my stupidity, I, most unwillingly and unconsciously, gave it to Blue. I was already attached to it, afraid to let it go, but because I always divvied with Blue, I shared it with her, unknowing that doing so puts my state of possession in a very dangerous situation. And when I became aware of this, all hell broke loose.

Blue and I haven't spoken for weeks because of my realization that she was close to possessing what was supposed to be mine, and the worse part of this was that she knew - she knew that it would be hers. I thought to myself, Is this what a friend is?! Damn it. Just because she's more spontaneous and more charming - and that's when the envy attacks started. I became frustrated and it sprouted more thoughts regarding her taking what's suppossed to be mine. It came to my head - Not only at this time did she steal from me. She did this loads of times before. She stole my limelight. She stole my friends. She stole my chances. Shoot, what part of her do I not have? Is it the beauty? The brains? The social skills? Whatfcukit?! I was going insane. I was a dark shade of green because of my jealousy.

Then we just started talking again. I let the "thing" go, and I allowed her to get it; I sacrificed, put simply. And I wasn't happy. I see her, up to now, ecstatic over her possession, which was mine in the first place, and I can't help but tell myself, You bitch, that was mine, I gave it to you, and I don't even hear a 'thank you' or 'sorry' or anything.

Now, Blue and I don't talk that much anymore. Our last communication was through text, over a month ago, I presume. She's still very happy, and I'm left with hate. No word of thanks, didn't even show that she's sorry, and after giving so much to her, even my own happiness, she acts as if I don't exist! and for that reason, I don't want to hear from her anymore.

I don't think I could be her friend now. It isn't for some shallow reason; it is because I don't think I could be sincere with her anymore. Of course, I haven't told her how I deeply hated and envied her, how I became so insecure, because I feel like she has stripped my life away from me. I will never tell her that. Rather, I think that when we meet, I would show her the same, cheerful attitude, but behind her back, I would roll my eyes and hate her. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be disloyal. I don't want to act anymore. I just want to be real, continue living my life, but without her in the picture, as it will just make me a hateful person. I don't want anything to do with Blue anymore. She makes me feel bad. I allow her to make me feel bad.

Another reason is that I don't want to share with her anymore. Friendship is a give and take relationship, and I just can't imagine sharing anything with her anymore. For all I know, instead of just sharing, I may give, without me knowing. It's always like that with her, and I'm sick of it. No more.

This is the bravest thing I have done for a long time. I just hope I have enough courage to say it to Blue's face. Guilt comes, then peace.